Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
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I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
Are these grass-fed oranges?
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
These are my emotional support Pringles.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class