me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
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There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
Crying is a sign of leakness.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK