All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
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Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
A game married people play.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.