Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
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You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.