I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
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“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
Good point.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.