Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
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I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you