I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
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Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something