So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
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FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you