I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
You Might Also Like
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
Good morning!
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”