Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
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my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
This is the best one I’ve seen
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.