My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
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I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
Help Wanted
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
Spider-cat: No One Home
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??