-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
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Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.