dam girl
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Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
Fidel Castro was alive?
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR