stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
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The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science