Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
You Might Also Like
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down