police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
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Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
Just why bro?!
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
favorite tropes as memes
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?