When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
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I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight