bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
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TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.