I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
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People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.