I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
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What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
Twitter is an abusement park.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord