I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
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WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
Why am I like this?
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers