[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
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Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Siri, fight Alexa.
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
two people or more is called a problem
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly