People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
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Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
work smarter, not harder
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed