computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
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(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
men are simple creatures
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.