It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
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[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
how to have an accident 101
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
This week’s mood.
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.