Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
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The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
[shakes fist at other fist]
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced