I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
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In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
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God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.