One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
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When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
How dude HOW?!
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums