Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
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My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.