[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
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[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
I’m giving up for Lent.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.