i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
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Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
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[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
I had to Stop for this
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
This is no longer winter this is harassment
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
Remember folks 😂