[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
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“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.