*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
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When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding