i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
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How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
Okay
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?