Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
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Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.