If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
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Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
Banking tips
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
Brands during Pride
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
Pickled cat.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret