Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
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There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!