My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
You Might Also Like
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
I got soap in my shower beer again.
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
Me trying to reach for my goals
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬