I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
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Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
Finished stitching this today 😇
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?