Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
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ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
Gross if literal…Liverpool
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
u spoke cat all this time??????
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
john wicks are toilet candles
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.