Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
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[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
The first matador
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them