In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
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Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me