me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
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A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on