When ur friends with white people
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Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
I’m ready for Halloween this year
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.