Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
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I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.