I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
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Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
This has made my week.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.