“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
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Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week