Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
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My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
My god she’s good.
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.