World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
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A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
Is your wife single?
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
$4 #usedbooks
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.