Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
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All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot